Shorthand for Nothing

There was a trailer for some movie involving hell demons featuring Nick Cage at Sherlock Holmes. I have no interest in seeing it! But I would be interested in seeing this:

DIABLO: THE MOVIE

Teaser trailer.

A dark set–a dark sky, a faint horizon, wilderness. Moody music. A fire is lit, casting red lighting over:

Two figures, a MAN and a WOMAN, seated around a small campfire; around them the signs of battle, or at least skirmish, are barely visible.

MAN: I don’t understand it. It’s like they were–

WOMAN: Possessed?

Shot of mountainous country with a desolate and slightly ominous feel. The music swells in intensity. WOMAN speaks over this.

WOMAN: This is an evil neither of us can hope to comprehend. We need to find someone who knows. We need to find Cain.

Cut to many scenes of the MAN and WOMAN battling demons, zombies, et cetera. Music is appropriately fighty. The montage concludes with an image of a massive, terrifying demon. The MAN and WOMAN pause, glance at each other, and simultaneously raise their weapons to charge. Cut to black, silence. The lights slowly raise on DECKARD CAIN.

CAIN: Stay a while, and listen…

The title DIABLO flashes on the screen. Fin.

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Hello! I have been spending the holidays up in New Hampshire, and I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie with my brother-in-law. I don’t think I ever read any of the of the books, but I may have read one or two. I was, of course, familiar with the premise. I went into this having known only that it featured Robert Downey Junior, and some explosions.

This was not a mystery movie. This was a Victorian adventure story filled with some fun explosions. It was humorous, it was macabre, it was clever. The pacing was good and the action was exciting, without being excessive. I really enjoyed myself.

That said, some caveats. I am in love with Victorian adventure stories. I was not a fan before, so it couldn’t possibly have ruined anything for me. I don’t know to what extent it would have. And it was clever, which is not the same as intelligent. I’m not saying it was a stupid movie, but it is more likely to dazzle you with charm than with brilliance.

The acting was excellent and the characters strong. I had fun and was glad I’d seen it, and wouldn’t mind going again. It has been a while since I’ve seen something clever and fun and I’m glad this was both.

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And because I like being utterly schizophrenic, hat tip to Jezebel for posting about Burton’s pending version of Alice In Wonderland, which, well, just go to the IMDB page here.

I had not heard about this. Or rather, I think I had, but I had forgotten or dismissed it as the child of an idle brain, begot of nothing but vain fantasy, which is as thin of substance as the air. It’s such an iconic and creepy story that, as far as I’m concerned, really needs a Burton treatment.

In the event you don’t like going to IMDB, here are some of the standout casting choices: Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter; Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen; Ann Hathaway as the White Queen; Alan Rickman as the Caterpillar; Christopher Lee as THE JABBERWOCK!!!!; Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat…

What I am saying is this is more or less perfect in every way.

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Last night I watched Savage Planet, a sci-fi original movie. The premise of the movie was something like this: Earth is too polluted to be sustainable, so they are going to some other planet via teleporter so they can fix earth, or something. Unfortunately the new planet is this horrifying deathworld what will kill everything, ever.

They convey the fact that the planet is a horrifying deathworld by pitting our expedition team against a pack of giant, hyperintelligent, malicious bears. There is some betrayal, lots of gratuitous cheesy blood, decapitations, disembowelments, and badly written romance subplots. If you like bad movies, this is a movie you definitely need to check out.

Like most sci-fi original movies, it features some things that were done right. Some of the acting is decent, though certainly not stellar. The sets and props are much better looking than your average B-movie sets and props.

But everything is predictable. Characters die when they get isolated, either by going off alone or by tripping over something. The exception to this is when the isolated characters are not being followed by the camera. The bears are apparently attracted to cameras. The intrigue within the party was either predictable or contrived, and where it was contrived, even the writers seemed to recognize that it was a weak premise–the characters soon forgot about it when the traitor apologized, with only a few token nods to that end.

But yeah, man. Bears will eat you. That’s what I learned here. Science Expedition vs. the Bears? THE BEARS WIN.

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