Idea for this shamelessly stolen from Dave Bry’s regular feature on The Awl.

Dear Canvassers Who Have Stopped Me At Various Times Around Northeastern,

I am sorry for wasting your time. I was never going to give you money, even if I had any to spare. But I feel bad and I really wish I could help in non-money-related ways.

The first time you stopped me, you were the guy who had just moved in to the place I’d just moved out of. It was cool or at least funny running into you. You needed to meet quota, and I appreciate that you were straightforward about that. I hope you managed despite wasting several minutes talking to me and only getting me to sign one of your little postcards in exchange. I am sorry I am broke and miserly.

The second time you stopped me, you were a cute girl who thought that the news article I read a few weeks ago that I was vaguely sure about was pretty neat. I signed yet another postcard, and I think I even checked the little box that said I would volunteer. You gave me a flier for working at Environment Mass, and we chatted about our majors and our lives and so on, and I am pretty sure you were hitting on me. If you were, I am sorry that we will never get coffee. You were gone when I went to get dinner later. I never got a call. I am sorry I am not helpful.

The third time you stopped me, you were very persistent, and I seriously considered saying “look, I have already signed like three postcards for you guys, I have no money, I am glad you exist but you don’t want to waste your time talking to me,” but I didn’t because you seemed so enthusiastic. You said a few things which were slightly dishonest, and I smirked and ignored them. You didn’t stop until I finally said I would not give you any money. I am sorry I found you amusing and entertained myself by making you come up with ways to counter my excuses.

The time you didn’t stop me, I was on my way to class. I’m sorry that I told you this instead of just continuing to walk. You hear that all the time, and it makes you wonder why they sent you to a college campus like they did, because everyone is either poor or on their way to class.

I am sorry that I embody the type of person you hate running into on college campuses, someone who is sympathetic and willing to listen and talk but has no interest in giving you money because that’s money I could spend on food or concerts or booze and at this stage in my life that’s a significant sum of money and I just can’t afford generosity. I am sorry that despite my attempts to be friendly and helpful you probably just sigh and shake your head and wonder why college students all suck.

Mostly sincerely,

Rob Mason