Listen, the Free Culture movement. We need to talk. I’ve been quiet for a while about this tendency of yours, to deny that the primary function of BitTorrent is for piracy, but I think it’s starting to interfere with your life. I think it’s time for an intervention.

I don’t know if you’re being dishonest or you really believe what you’re saying—it’s sad either way—but it needs to stop. Stop with the calling Apple out of touch when it bans a torrent application from its store. You’re just making yourself look bad. And it makes me sad. I want to like you, I really do. But I just can’t date someone who is actively deranged all the time.

And I even almost sympathize. I mean, BitTorrent is a great technology for free culture, I understand that. If you want to release something for free, but can’t afford the bandwidth, torrenting is the way to go. But you need to stop pretending that this format is somehow being injured when The Pirate Bay is found guilty, or when a “remotely download torrents” program is banned from the iPhone.

But at the same time, you’re completely wrong. I’ve used many a legitimate torrent in my day. Do you know how often I’ve used a torrent aggregator such as The Pirate Bay to do so, or even required more than basic download functionality? This is a trick question, of course: I have never done so. Every single legitimate torrent that I have downloaded has been through the website offering the download. I have never needed to pick and choose the files I want from these legitimate downloads, nor have I felt that basic software is inadequate for doing so.

You’re acting like a lunatic, the Free Culture movement, and it’s starting to grate. Please stop. You’re in danger of losing my support, and if this is the way you’re acting, you desperately need people like me to support you.

Desperately.